By now I’m sure you have all heard the troubling news about our sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon. (That sentence was aimed exclusively at Americans; she is our sweetheart, America’s sweetheart; all other countries just back off and get your own sweetheart. I don’t even know if they are allowed to have sweethearts in other countries, and I’m too lazy to google it.)
As I was saying, though, our girl Reese is in some trouble. A couple of weeks ago, she and her husband were arrested in Atlanta- him for a DUI, and her for being kind of a fucking crazy biatch, evidence of which can be seen in the arrest video that was released last weekend.
Personally, I found it in poor taste for the police department to release the video to the public and the media to hound on it, playing the humiliating footage over and over again, but also I am completely obsessed with it, so let’s watch it again and talk about it in depth.
There are so many highlights from this video, it’s really hard to pick favorites. Here are just a few of the greatest hits of the belligerently drunk Reese Witherspoon channeling her inner Elle Woods while interacting with an officer of the law.
On what it means to be an American:
I am an American citizen; I am allowed to stand on American ground.
This is actually a true statement. One of the many perks of being a citizen of a country is that you are allowed to stand on the ground in that country. Sometimes we even let people who aren’t citizens stand on the ground in America, particularly if said people can do a beautiful landscape job on that ground for a cheaper hourly wage than a citizen will.
I am an American citizen; I am allowed to do whatever I want to do.
Okay, this is not so much true, but I have to respect the conviction with which she said it. I truly believe that she believes this, and, for a second, she made me believe it. This is why she is our sweetheart.
On the procedure of being arrested by a cop:
I have to obey your orders?(!!!???!!!)
Yes, for the most part, but not like in a creepy sexual way or anything, just when you are doing things that are illegal (even if it is an activity you want to do) and he is a cop who is arresting you.
Now I’m obstructing your justice?(!!!???!!!)
Don’t really know what to say about this one other than it sounds like she lifted it from a porno, so, lolz.
On whether or not the cop knows that she is important and famous:
Do you know my name?
You don’t NEED to know my name?
You’re about to find out who I am.
My name is Reese Witherspoon. You’re arresting me for obstruction of justice. It’s gonna be in the national news.
Reflecting on the situation minutes afterward:
[to cop]: You told me not to get out of the car, and I said to you “I disagree.”
This is my favorite quote of the evening, and an excellent tactic on the part of Ms. Witherspoon. Being able to have healthy disagreements is what makes this country great. I mean, just the other day, my landlord was all “you need to pay your rent for the past three months” and I was like “I disagree”; now I am temporarily homeless but who cares because America.
[to husband, about cop]: He does not have jurisdiction over the ground that he speaks on.
I’m not a lawyer, and I don’t think this makes any sense, but I’m going to go ahead and say point Witherspoon for having confidence in her (literal) convictions. It’s great to know that she, like her character in Legally Blonde, feels comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life. I do not object.
I’ll sum it all up by saying that I, for one, am proud of Reese. I always imagined her as being super boring IRL, but we now have video evidence that she is actually a blast. So get off your high horse, America, and accept her for being human- no, better than human, celebrity. You see, when you dub someone as the official sweetheart of an entire country, you’re not allowed to be surprised to find out they are kind of a narcissist.
Unfortunately, all of the dramz around Reese’s arrest seems to have overshadowed the release of her latest movie, Mud. This film centers around two young boys living on the river in Mississippi who discover a fugitive man named Mud (played by Matthew McConaughey) living in an abandoned boat on an island close to their homes. Witherspoon plays a more minor role of Juniper, the woman who Mud is in love with, and the boys serve as messengers between the two throughout the movie.
I won’t go any more in depth other than to say that I saw it earlier this week and it is, in my opinion, the best movie of 2013 so far. I love when big time movies stars are in indie films, because it gives me a motivation to go see an indie film, and then I can go around to everyone being like “Oh, have you seen that new indie film, Mud? It’s simply incredible- breathtaking, really.”
Anyway, McConaughey and Witherspoon were great, but Tye Sheridan is really the breakout star of this one, playing the leading role of Ellis, a fourteen year old trying to navigate the world of love for the first time. Just go see it; it’s fantastic. Let’s finally talk about this cheesecake, right?
I thought about making a cool mudslide cocktail in honor of Mud (how clever am I??), but honestly I just wasn’t really feeling it. Let’s be honest- if I’m going to ingest like ten thousaund unnecessary calories, I don’t want to drink it. Give me something with a little substance, something that will make me feel satisfied. I want some bang for my gut.
So I turned it into a cheesecake. Honestly, I am a recent cheesecake convert after spending a lifetime not being interested in them. What turned me was this recipe I found on Pinterest a while ago for Whiskey Caramel Cheesecake Bars with Sea Salt from Aida Mollenkamp. The pictures were so beautiful and enticing, I had to make it. It is now my go to recipe for cheesecake; I can’t even explain to you how sinfully delicious it is. All of my friends and family are constantly raving about it, so obviously I used it as the base for this recipe.
The classic Mudslide generally consists of three types of alcohol: Bailey’s, Kahlua, and Vodka. I wanted to do a little twist though, and it didn’t really sound appetizing to put vodka in my cheesecake, so I switched it out for Amaretto. I recently discovered this Amaretto and now am a total freak about it. It tastes like the most delightful combination of cherries and almonds, but in liquid form that will get you buzzin’. Amazing. I left out the Kahlua because I didn’t have it on hand and didn’t think it was necessary, but if you want to add it by all means do so.
This recipe is simple because the food processor and the oven do all the work. First, make the shortbread crust by combining flour, sugar, butter, pecans, and salt in a food processor and pulsing it up.
Line the crust on the bottom of a springform pan and bake it off for about 30 mins.
To make the filling, simply clean out the food processor and use it again. This time, with cream cheese, sugar, and eggs.
Oops, don’t forget to bring the booze to the party.
Add the filling on top of the pre-baked crust, and bake for another 40-50 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean.
Let it cool and serve it up. Serve with orange chocolate sauce (super easy recipe below), and garnish with mint, if you wish.
God bless America.
Amaretto Mudslide Cheesecake with Orange Chocolate Sauce
Adapted from Aida Mollencamp’s Whiskey Caramel Cheesecake Bites
- 2/3 cup pecans, toasted and roughly chopped
- 6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter (3/4 stick), cut into small chunks
- 3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
- 1/3 cup granulated sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
- 2 pounds (4 [8-ounce] packages) cream cheese
- 1 cup granulated sugar
- 3 large eggs, at room temperature
- 3 tbsp Bailey’s Irish Cream
- 3 tbsp Amaretto
For Chocolate Sauce
- 12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 1/2 cup heavy cream
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 2 tsp orange zest
Preheat your oven to 350°F. Coat a 9″ springform pan (or a regular round pan) with nonstick spray.
Combine the pecans, butter, flour, sugar, and salt in bowl of a food processor and pulse until the mixture is well combined and it resembles coarse meal. Press the mixture evenly into the springform pan and bake until golden brown on the edges, about 30 minutes. Meanwhile, make the filling.
Combine the cream cheese and sugar in a food processor and process until smooth. Scrape down the sides of the processor then add the eggs one at a time. Add the Bailey’s and Amaretto and pulse until combined.
Pour the mixture over the shortbread and bake until a toothpick or cake tester inserted into the cake comes out clean and the center of the cheesecake is just set (it will look like custard), about 50 minutes. Turn off the oven, leave the door slightly ajar, and let the cheesecake cool for 15 minutes.
Remove cheesecake from the oven, let it cool for about an hour, then store in the refrigerator until completely chilled.
For Chocolate Sauce
In a medium saucepan over low heat, heat chocolate chips and cream and stir constantly until chocolate is completely melted. Turn off the heat, add in vanilla and orange zest. Serve on top of cheesecake.